Again I arrive at my lowest ebb, and can't help but find it amusing. Lately I have been inspired by the creative output of my friends and those I deeply admire. People who are either able to speak with great introspection about themselves, or to deftly create art which has little trouble connecting with other listeners. And I listen to the music I have written, and completed and am left wanting. It feels creatively uninspired, a monument to the creative folly of a person I am now 4 years removed from. It feels musically gratuitous and needlessly dense. It fails to be emotive in the sense that I hoped, rather appearing quite amateur-ish and far short of the atmospheric mark I'd aimed for. It also lacks any kind of quality that a general listener might enjoy. My judgement has been clouded by an illusion of artistic grandeur, a fallacious notion that the more complex and obscure the songs are the more creatively fulfilling the work will be. Instead I am left with a testament to my mediocrity, and an impending bill to have the final tracks mixed and prepared for release looming in the vicinity of $500. A rather paltry sum in the scheme of things, though certainly not one I can afford at this particular moment in time (being school holidays).
So I spend $500, I release the songs and two or three people listen out of obligation. Repaying me for the time I had devoted to their art, or any acts of friendship which I may have furnished upon them in the past few years. The music itself is non-essential, their attention is tendered out of obligation rather than a result of merit. And so I fail. Devoting my ambitions to creative pursuits, eschewing dreams of love and travel in the vainglorious assumption that I might have something unique to say only to fail miserably. Falling embarrassingly short of the marks set by my peers, many of whom have cultivated rich and fulfilling social lives without sacrificing their creative ambition.
Turns out this thing is google-able. Good thing nobody is searching my name. Between this blog and the 2006 blogspot variant I've been trying to figure out how to delete for years, google isn't doing me any favours.